You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
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she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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