HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
