My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
