her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
