Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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