my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
