i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
