I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Vodka?
Forever.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
