his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
