she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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