the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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