Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
