Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
