I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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