Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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