I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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