Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
