I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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