We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
