Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
