That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
