my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize