Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
