she woke up with a sticky ear
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
