we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
