Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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