My friends, they love my intelligence
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
