this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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