Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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