ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
