The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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