he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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