if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
