remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
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You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Someone came in the potted fern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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