you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
