Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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