'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
