i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
