She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
