I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize