feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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