Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
