Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
