I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
