Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
