the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I would ride that face into the sunset
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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