we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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