We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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