So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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