I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?