o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Cover your peen. We're going out.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
