Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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