I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
