did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i love accidental penises.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
